Over the past few months, Townhall.com’s Kurt Schlichter has become one of our favorite writers around the office. In part, that’s because the retired army colonel is a) completely unafraid to say what he’s thinking, even if it’s biting, and b) what he’s thinking is usually dead-on.
Take the Department of Justice inspector general’s report released last week, for instance. In spite of plenty of evidence of bias, the media was quick to trumpet that there was absolutely no bias shown during the Clinton email investigation. Apparently, this means they hadn’t actually read it.
In his Monday piece — titled “The IG Report Was a Whitewash and Devastating All At Once” — Schlichter took apart all of the myths that have sprung up around the report, questioning what would have happened if the FBI and DOJ had treated a black man the same way they’d treated President Donald Trump.
“The FBI has managed to transform its image from Efrem Zimbalist Jr., into Special Agent Boogaloo Shrimp, and the Inspector General’s report was the bureaucratic self-policing equivalent of ‘Breakin’ Faith 2: Electric Bamboozle,'” Schlichter wrote in what might be the most awesome opening paragraph ever.
Schlichter, whose opinions are rarely in doubt, wrote that the report proved “Wray’s ruined agency’s best n’ brightest conspired to undo the results of an election to ensure that the liberal politician who wouldn’t derail their gravy train would take office, but hey, a couple hours of diversity classes will fix that right up. I know I feel much better knowing that these bureaucratic superstars are finally going to get some training to inform them that trying to use their power as federal law enforcement agents to swing an election to their preferred political party is wrong. Apparently, that was previously unclear.”
“The IG report bait n’ switch was just another example of our elite shrugging in the face of indisputable evidence of its own wrongdoing. The bombshells in the IG report could justly be classified as ‘thermonuclear,’ but remember the Comey conference back in July 2016? Its bombshells were thermonuclear too,” Schlichter wrote.
“Integrity Boy laid out an utterly devastating case against Felonia Milhous Von Pansuit, highlighting in damning detail her litany of crimes that would have consigned you, me, or anyone else not in the elite to a long tour in the stony lonesome. And then that Looming Doofus concluded his lengthy summation with, ‘But never mind.’
“The same with the IG report. Yeah, the report demonstrated intense and pervasive political bias. Yeah, at every turn the FBI/DOJ hacks gave unprecedented deference and breaks to Hillary. Yeah, from the get-go they talked about how no one was ever going to be prosecuted. Nah, nothing to see,” he continued. “It’s like a prosecutor laying out a crushing case to a jury, then saying, ‘And in conclusion, I’d like you to find the defendant not guilty.’
“’No evidence,’ concludes the IG report. It’s 500+ pages of evidence.”
Schlichter then wondered aloud if this kind of bias would fly if it were applied to a black employee.
“Let’s try a hypothetical. You are on a jury. My client is a black man claiming racial discrimination by his company. I present you with texts from key leaders in the company — who are still employed in high positions at the company — discussing how they hate black people,” Schlichter wrote.
“I demonstrate that at every single opportunity, the company made choices that hurt my client, just like at every opportunity the FBI and DOJ made choices to help Hillary the Harpy. Then, I show the company fired my client with no evidence of his wrongdoing, just like the FBI exonerated Stumbles O’Drunky with tons of evidence of her wrongdoing. Do you think I presented ‘no evidence?’
“You, as a juror, have a choice — was my client discriminated against?” Schlichter concludes. “I, as his lawyer, also have a choice — Ferrari or Lamborghini?”
The only thing he gets wrong in this whole piece — which would have been prima facie awesome if just because of its deep dig of a “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” reference — is the whole Ferrari or Lamborghini part. Lawyers, in my experience, prefer German luxo-cruisers, or English luxury if they’re feeling individualistic.
You’re a lot more likely to see a fully-decked Mercedes S-Class or your errant Bentley SUV in the courthouse parking lot.
Everything else, however, is spot-on. The IG report proved the FBI was desperately broken and biased. And nobody will end up paying much for it. Not Lisa Page, not Peter Strzok, not Hillary Clinton, and especially not James Comey.
Sure, he may have been fired, but thanks to that book deal, the only thing he has to worry about is the choice between a Lamborghini or a Ferrari.
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