Sure, Stalin, Brezhnev and the weird spot on Gorbachev’s head may be nowhere near power at the moment in the Kremlin.
However, even though the Soviet Union is long gone, Russia somehow has even gotten more frightening.
For instance, just look at Russian dashcam videos. Or political dissidents murdered with polonium-210. Or with guns. Or with nerve agents.
(That last one is still alive, however, at least for the moment.)
And, if you’re a Democrat, you believe they have the mystical power to change the result of an election with $46,000 in Facebook ads during a campaign season which saw the better part of $2 billion spent by both candidates.
Apparently, the Russians are so evil a bunch of guys named Igor in a computer center in Novosibirisk can spend .00038 percent of Hillary’s total budget on a few targeted ads and throw the whole election. Truly a terrifying nation.
WARNING: The graphic nature of the image below will be disturbing to some viewers.
If you don’t believe me, just check out what they managed to find in a bag that washed up somewhere in Siberia.
We warn you, this is not for the faint of heart:
Those are a grand total of 54 human hands, because apparently “Blue Velvet” is a bit too subtle for the folks in Khabarovsk. And they managed to line them up in the snow for a shot, too, because why the heck not. Let’s not make an effort to preserve evidence or anything.
“Initially a single hand was spotted, then the bag containing a total of 54 severed hands,” the Siberian Times reported.
“Finger prints have been found on one hand,” they reported. “The others are being checked.” One would hope.
Apparently, the site that the severed hands were found “is a popular fishing place for locals and residents of nearby Khabarovsk city. The site is around 30 kilometers from the Chinese border close to a village called Vladimirovka.”
I’m not quite sure what to make of this all other than my first instinct was to wonder what the title of the inevitable Ben Affleck-directed film about the case would be called. Personally, my vote is with “Manos: The Hands of Yuck.”
Of course, this being Russia, the locals were very helpful in the hunt for the dismemberers. And by helpful, we mean whatever the opposite of that is.
“Locals did not notice anything suspicious,” the Siberian Times reported. “One gruesome theory is that the hands could have been axed off as a punishment for theft. But local media reported that next to the remains were found medical bandages and hospital-style plastic shoe covers. This has led to suspicion that the hands were cut off — possibly dead bodies — in a medical institution.”
I know there’s a good Dismemberment Plan joke here, but it’d be pretty forced and I don’t think we get a lot of readership overlap with Pitchfork, so I’ll just let it go at that. Point is, if you’re going to mess with Russia, have a good reason.
Granted, we could turn the whole thing into a snowy parking lot. However, not too many people have the stomach for that, so don’t fall afoul of the kind of people who will cut off your hands. Or poison you with polonium-210. Or nerve agents.
Point is, if you need to interact with Russians, just go with the ones spending chump change on Facebook adverts. They don’t have polonium-210 or nerve agents. Heck, they probably don’t even have money for lunch, and if you buy them lunch the likelihood of them cutting off your hands is like, virtually zero. Just saying.
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