I was once told by a wise old relative that people who read the comics section in the paper first tend to live longer. Or maybe it was Alan Alda’s character in the 1997 movie “Murder at 1600.” Whatever the case, it sounded like good advice, but most of us don’t read physical newspapers anymore and webcomics are mostly semi-coherent existentialist screeds, so starting my day with The Babylon Bee is the next best thing.
And boy, did the conservative-leaning satire site have a humdinger on Thursday morning: “Socialist AOC’s Tesla Parked Illegally Outside Whole Foods in Posh DC Neighborhood.”
The title alone is enough to have one rolling on the floor — but after I clicked, I had to admit the story was disappointing.
In fact, it seemed kind of dry and detail-oriented for a Babylon Bee story. Which probably had something to do with the fact it wasn’t satire and I was actually reading The Washington Free Beacon. It turns out I’d jeopardized my health and accidentally started with the hard news portion of my media diet.
“Like most celebrities, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D., N.Y.) doesn’t always play by the rules. Sources inform the Washington Free Beacon that the socialist congresswoman’s white Tesla was parked illegally outside the Whole Foods near her posh apartment complex in Washington, D.C.,” The Free Beacon reported Thursday.
“Ocasio-Cortez’s office did not immediately return a request for comment on the parking scandal. There is more than sufficient evidence, however, to conclude that the illegally parked white Tesla belongs to her.”
First, the car photographed on Friday had New York plates and a congressional parking pass displayed on the dashboard. AOC revealed to Vanity Fair in an October piece that she’d purchased a car and wasn’t the best with following traffic regulations.
“If it’s alternate side parking in New York City, I put on my pants and some warm clothes and I go move the car,” she said in a video that described her daily routine.
“I actually just got a car and I’m really lucky that I have not gotten a parking ticket in the last two weeks,” she continued. “But about two days or maybe the day after I got my car, I did get pulled over for making a right on 23rd Street when I wasn’t supposed to, but I got a warning.”
It’s not clear whether Ocasio-Cortez was referring to NYC’s alternate-side parking rules (which are notoriously obnoxious) or the fact she’s a regular parking scofflaw. Whatever the case, she apparently has parking issues. Plenty of us do, though — so where’s the evidence this is her?
On one of her many Instagram Live chats, she let on a bit more about the car she purchased: “I usually travel by train, but due to COVID I now drive by car, I travel by car,” she said. “Not a combustion engine vehicle, but I travel by car between New York and D.C.”
“New York to DC is a 240 mile drive and, while there are over a dozen electric cars on sale, only the Teslas are able to make that long of a trip without inducing range anxiety for its owner,” it reported in February.
“And, while all Teslas can go over 240 miles on a single charge, no sweat, AOC’s Tesla Model 3 Long Range, with its 353+ miles, can make the trip in a single go. The Mid range and Standard just don’t cut it.”
There’s a caveat to this, which is that Tesla Supercharger stations — which can quickly charge an electric vehicle — are available all along the Interstate 95 corridor AOC would use to make the trip. Nevertheless, a Tesla Model 3 Long Range — which costs between $46,000 and $59,000 — would certainly be easier for the congresswoman
But yes, there are these caveats. And then, thanks to The Free Beacon’s reporting, they begin to disappear.
For instance, the outlet reported that sources said they’ve seen AOC behind the wheel of a Tesla in Washington, and a member of Congress has seen Ocasio-Cortez driving a white Tesla into one of the House parking lots.
Furthermore, the Whole Foods store is within walking distance of AOC’s luxury apartment complex.
BREAKING EXCLUSIVE: Multiple sources confirm AOC owns a Tesla, parked it illegally in front of the Whole Foods connected to her luxury apartment buildinghttps://t.co/39RmcnZMHG pic.twitter.com/iAgI0oKCW6
— Brent Scher (@BrentScher) May 19, 2021
“As reported in the Free Beacon, the posh residential complex, where studios rent for more than $2,000 a month, is one of the fanciest in Washington, D.C.,” it noted.
“Amenities include a climbing wall, several pools, racquetball courts, a golf simulator, a rooftop dog park, a steam room, multiple cycling studios, two types of massage rooms, and charging ports for electric vehicles. Ocasio-Cortez has argued these amenities should be a human right available to everyone.”
And it gets worse: “One source familiar with the parking situation at the Navy Yard Whole Foods described the illegal parking job as ‘pathetic’ because the grocery store offers free parking for its élite customers.”
The Free Beacon said AOC’s office did not immediately return a request for comment.
So, which liberal can take the worst lesson away from Ocasio-Cortez apparently illegally parking her Tesla outside a Whole Foods to which she could have walked and which provides plenty of legal parking for its customers? Ready, set …
WARNING: The following tweets contain graphic language that some readers will find offensive.
So @aoc has a Tesla? Cool. You better get one too, asshole, or that kid in your avatar picture who you don’t actually give a shit about will be living in a world where it’s 120 in SC in the summer thanks to your stupidity and wastefulness of natural resources. https://t.co/TC4JE2OPnR
— Keith Olbermann (@KeithOlbermann) May 19, 2021
— Russell Foster for Texas (@RussellFosterTX) May 19, 2021
Congresswoman @AOC earns $174,000 a year and uses her salary to buy a Tesla Model 3 and rents an apartment in a building where studios rent for $2,000 a month.
Oh my! What an absolutely insane scandal! #TeslaGate
— Uzair Younus عُزیر یُونس (@UzairYounus) May 19, 2021
That’s a photo finish, Bob. I think we’re going to have to consult the scoring room on this one.
None of our three competitors here seemed particularly concerned Ocasio-Cortez (or someone using her car) felt entitled to illegally park her car at a Whole Foods that’s within walking distance of her apartment. Rules for thee, not for she.
They apparently take it for granted that under socialism, some animals are more equal than others — and that’s the way it should be, duh! Dry your conservative tears, snowflake, over the fact Ocasio-Cortez lives the luxe life by selling herself as a defender of people who’ll never be able to afford a Tesla or a luxury apartment in the Navy Yard section of D.C.!
Oh, and Mr. Olbermann (good to see you’re still alive, by the way), if you’re so concerned about the bleeping author of this bleeping tweet living in a bleeping world where it’s so bleepity bleeping hot for that kid he doesn’t bleeping care about in his bleeping avatar photo that you think he should bleeping buy a bleeping Tesla right bleeping now, perhaps you should also lecture AOC about driving a car — one that still uses energy that’s almost certainly created by carbon — to a Whole Foods that’s well within walking distance.
While we’re on Ocasio-Cortez-related hypocrisies involved here, let’s also take a moment to remember that the democratic socialist has attacked both Amazon (which owns Whole Foods) and Tesla for being capitalist concerns that receive government subsidies.
In 2019, she helped scuttle a project that would have brought a second headquarters for the mega-corporation in the New York borough of Queens, a complex that would have bought 25,000 jobs to the area.
In 2018, AOC attacked Tesla at a climate change town hall: “For far too long, we gave money to Tesla, we gave money to a ton of people and we got no return on our investment that the public made in creating technologies, and it’s about time we get our due because it’s the public that funded and financed a lot of innovative technologies.”
But she’ll buy the car and she’ll buy the food. The rules of socialism and hypocrisy, just like the rules of parking, are always fungible for those who believe setting a moral example is for the little people.
Come to think of it, The Babylon Bee couldn’t have done it better anyhow.
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