Unemployment is down. President Donald Trump is shaking up the VA. He’s also taken a stand, albeit somewhat controversial, on trade with China.
So what are voices in the mainstream media talking about?
Trump’s pants, of course.
And no, that’s not just a euphemism for talking about the Stormy Daniels allegations. They’ve moved on from that.
At least two major news outlets — Vanity Fair and CNN — have latched onto a non-story that the president’s trousers are simply too big.
The whole thing began with an article by Kenzie Bryant in Vanity Fair. That’s the magazine that’s featured works by luminaries like Annie Leibovitz, Christopher Hitchens, Douglas Brinkley and Dominick Dunne. It’s the magazine that revealed the identity of Deep Throat. It’s where Tina Brown became a star editor.
Now, it publishes articles like Bryant’s, “What Is Going on with Trump’s Pant Legs? One Humble Theory.”
“There’s a photo of Donald Trump from last weekend that I can’t stop thinking about,” Bryant writes. “It’s from the Easter service in Palm Beach, where he’s standing between Tiffany and his wife, Melania, an odd sight for sure. I assume Melania is saying, ‘Do you two know each other?’ But that’s not even the compelling part.
“The really compelling part,” Bryant continues, “is that his pant legs are enormous.”
Quick, clear the wires! We’ve got to get this flash out that the president’s pants are slightly baggy! Or, as Bryant notes, “roughly the circumference of a healthy toddler’s head.”
“They could fit comfortably around The Rock’s thighs — an image no one wanted to consider, but in the name of this investigation, we must,” she writes. “The angle of the photo makes it even more dramatic, with the grass hiding the president’s feet, shortening his overall frame and terminating his body at a wide point. Even so, those hems do not lie.”
Then, CNN got in the act, covering the Vanity Fair non-story as if it were actual news:
So, what’s causing these baggy trousers? The inevitable 1990s revival? Bryant thinks so.
The reporter (there aren’t air quotes big enough to fit around that word) provided “(a) couple theories. One is that he’s shrinking. It’s less a theory than an inevitable fact of being over 70. Bone density just isn’t what it used to be, and the pants are just meant for longer legs. So why wouldn’t he buy a new suit? He’s a rich man who likes nice things and is the president of the United States. It would be easy.
“That leaves only one possibility: President Trump is signaling to the American people that he is Judging None and Choosing One. He’s subliminally provoking a JNCO mania in the hinterlands. The tool of this change agent? The slow widening his suit legs ever outward.”
From Christopher Hitchens to JNCO Jeans. For those of you who missed teenage sartorial choices back in the 1990s or are too young or old to remember when the Sega Genesis was state of the art, here you go:
Today is the two-year anniversary of the release of the Oscar-winning short film "I Wore JNCO Jeans for a Week" directed and edited by @McJesse and starring yours truly. https://t.co/SmQBxbYS06 pic.twitter.com/w1wP39HqPH
— Matt Kiebus (@mjkiebus) March 28, 2018
Before you get that email ready, yes, I get that this is supposed to be funny.
It’s not. That’s only part of the problem, though.
This is being covered by mainstream news outlets, and only partially as a lark. Keep in mind, Bryant’s article spends plenty of time analyzing older photos of Trump and CNN spends almost two minutes on the “controversy.”
Instead, we’re speculating on Trump’s JNCO fascination. God bless America.
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