Luis Gutierrez Thanks God Trump Wasn't Around To Help Herod Kill Jesus, Walks Out When Challenged


I’d like to think I have a rather fruitful prayer life between the Lord and myself. However, I feel naggingly inauthentic when I realize one of the most useful and fecund arrows in my prayer quiver actually comes from arguably the most famous and strident atheist of the 18th century.

François-Marie Arouet — better known as Voltaire — was one of the great writers and historians of the Enlightenment. He was an avowed anti-theist, but he did find himself in supplication once. “I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‘O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous,'” he said. “And God granted it.”

I have petitioned God for this on numerous occasions, and it has indeed been answered — partially in the form of Illinois Democratic Rep. Luis Gutierrez.

You’ve probably heard of Gutierrez in passing. He tends to get arrested during sit-ins and other acts of ridiculousness, usually based upon the fact that Donald J. Trump and other Republicans are ostensibly Satan’s spawn for demanding immigration laws be enforced. Considering this guy has frequent flyer miles to the county jail, I’m not particularly interested in what he has to say on most occasions.

However, when he says the president of the United States would have killed the baby Jesus, color me a) disgusted and b) vaguely interested. More interested than Gutierrez, at least, who walked out of the kerfuffle when he was challenged.

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So, back to the beginning, which is a good place to start. Gutierrez was apparently feeling a bit unloved by the media, because he decided to use a House Judiciary Committee hearing to berate Homeland Security Chief Kirstjen Nielsen by insisting that she would have made sure our Savior died thanks to her policies.

“It is repugnant to me and astonishing to me that during Christmas … a time in which we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ — a Jesus Christ who had to flee for his life with Mary and Joseph,” Gutierrez said, “thank God there wasn’t a wall that stopped him from seeking refuge in Egypt. Thank God that wall wasn’t there.

“And thank God there wasn’t an administration like this or he would have too perished on the 28th, on the Day of Innocence when Herod ordered the murder of every child under two years of age.”

Wait, did Judea have an illegal immigration problem? Were cartels smuggling frankincense and myrrh into Bethlehem to keep the populace strung out? I totally missed this part of the Bible. One of my colleagues just informed me the tale can be found in Ocasio-Cortez 6:28, however.

“Shame on everybody that separates children and allows them to stay at the other side of the border fearing death, fearing hunger, fearing sickness,” Gutierrez said, having worked himself into an obviously preplanned lather. “Shame on us for wearing our badge of Christianity during Christmas and allow the secretary to come here and lie.”

Nielsen, apparently miffed at being told she killed baby Jesus, struck back.

“Calling me a liar are fighting words,” Nielsen responded. “I’m not a liar. We’ve never had a policy of family separation. I’m happy to walk the gentleman through it again.

Do you think Luis Gutierrez is a bad congressman?

“A policy of family separation would mean that any family I encountered in the interior I would separate. It would mean that any family I found at a port of entry I would separate. It would mean that every single family that I found illegally crossing we would separate …”

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Gutierrez apparently didn’t feel like listening to any of this because he walked out on the explanation. After all, he had the all-important donor clip for Friday’s email. What did he care?

God has indeed answered my prayer in the personage of Luis Gutierrez. There’s the monkey’s paw, though — people still take him seriously.

I need better prayers, I suppose.

Damn you, Voltaire.

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C. Douglas Golden is a writer who splits his time between the United States and Southeast Asia. Specializing in political commentary and world affairs, he's written for Conservative Tribune and The Western Journal since 2014.
C. Douglas Golden is a writer who splits his time between the United States and Southeast Asia. Specializing in political commentary and world affairs, he's written for Conservative Tribune and The Western Journal since 2014. Aside from politics, he enjoys spending time with his wife, literature (especially British comic novels and modern Japanese lit), indie rock, coffee, Formula One and football (of both American and world varieties).
Morristown, New Jersey
Catholic University of America
Languages Spoken
English, Spanish
Topics of Expertise
American Politics, World Politics, Culture