I Am a Climate Stability Denier
As the holder of a degree in Climate Sustainability from Whats Amatter U., I know about weather. I scored high grades in my courses on rain, heavy rain, intermittent rain and even drizzle.
Despite all this learning, and the best efforts of my professors to brainwa –er, educate me — however, I have recently become a Climate Stability Denier. What’s more, I have proof.
During the past few months, I have been watching things outside my house. And not just outside my house, but outside of everyone’s house within my view.
I call this vast expanse “The Outdoors,” a term I hope will catch on, and I have discovered that in The Outdoors there is no central air conditioning or heating. The climate is constantly changing and even unpredictable.
Granted, a few things do remain constant. For example, I have noticed that as the temperature rises the thermometer goes up — and simultaneously, the weather gets warmer. This is constant and does not vary, but such predictability is rare.
It is precisely because predictability is so rare that I have broken from my colleagues in the Climate Sustainability field and have concluded that the weather does indeed change.
Shhhhhh. Do not repeat this out loud. It can be dangerous. It is akin to saying the emperor has no clothes. If you say it loudly you can lose your job or suffer my fate and be labeled a Climate Stability Denier.
So keep this info to yourself: Temperatures go up and down. Wind can come from the North, South, East or West, or from nowhere at all. And all this can happen whether or not you use a car or a pair of roller-skates to get to work.
Nor is this unpredictability caused by using charcoal briquettes in your backyard — and you can’t prevent it by switching to a solar-powered cigarette lighter or a windmill toaster oven. None of that works.
Moreover, there is historical (as opposed to hysterical) evidence supporting my conclusion as well.
For example, did you know that many years ago, before the discovery of modern fossil fuels, the Sahara Desert had plenty of water? Of course, this was before aliens driving SUV’s invaded it, but still, the fact that there was water there must mean something.
And even after the alien invasion, led by Maxheen Wort Hers of the Planet Uranus, humidity in the Sahara fluctuated. That is why, when an 8,000-year-old Dodge Caravan was recently unearthed in a dig south of Tunisia, the Caravan’s GPS showed lakes where today there is only sand.
And so, based on this evidence, I have rejected Climate Stability and have concluded that weather conditions change. They may include an Ice Age, a Heat Wave or even the massive Cerebral Cessations we frequently see in the Washington, D.C. area.
But you must keep this knowledge to yourselves, for it is dangerous to disagree with fools who are numerous, determined and vicious. Just keep on repeating this mantra: The Emperor’s suit is beautiful.
This, my friends, is where socialist democrats and leftists are leading us
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