Bailouts Could Go to Brothels, Weed Industry, Liquor Stores While Pastors Can't Even Hold a Service


We were all pretty annoyed over the past week over the fact that the massive outlay we gave for small businesses to receive loans to stay afloat were gobbled up by Harvard whilst your barbershop was left dealing with a loan application apparently built upon the backbone of the code used on those guestb00ks Geocities used to use.

Thankfully, all is not for naught. Want to get yourself blazed? Blitzed? Sexually, um, taken care of? There are solutions for that.

Saved? Whoa, whoa, whoa, sailor — are we talking in the Christian sense? Because, you know, there are rules surrounding that.

But as for smoking and drinking and intercourse: Yeah, your money’s good for that, see, thanks to the new, government-guided capitalism of the coronavirus era.

If you don’t believe me, here’s the evidence.

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“A brothel owner in Wells, Nevada, has been awarded a federal emergency loan to keep her brothel alive during the mandated shutdown of nonessential businesses to prevent the spread of the novel coronavirus. But contributor Brian Bahouth of The Sierra Nevada Ally says that funding is not currently available,” KUNR reported.

“Of any legal business service in Nevada, sex work may pose the most flagrant possible violation of safe social distancing guidelines of any occupation. Since Nevada Governor Steve Sisolak closed nonessential businesses, a handful of sex workers are sheltering in place at Bella’s Hacienda Ranch in Wells,” the Reno, Nevada, NPR outlet stated.

“The business is shuttered, and owner and namesake Bella Cummins is allowing the women to stay for free. Earlier this week, Cummins went to her bank, Nevada State Bank, to apply for an emergency loan from the Small Business Administration to help her business weather the COVID-19 state of emergency.”

Should the government be bailing out these businesses?

Oh, well, thank God. Well, actually not that entity. It seems a bit, um, more apropos to thank the one below for this? Can we just thank his secretary for this? Just leave a message? Phew, because otherwise that just seems icky.

But what about the sticky icky?

“Reps. Earl Blumenauer (D-Ore.) and Ed Perlmutter (D-Colo.) have introduced a bill to make legal cannabis businesses eligible for federal coronavirus relief aid meant for small businesses,” The Hill reported.

“The legislation would grant the businesses eligibility for the Paycheck Protection Program (PPP), Economic Injury Disaster Loans and other aid. A $483 billion interim coronavirus aid package, which will replenish the small-business lending program, is set to pass the House on Thursday, but it excludes marijuana companies from receiving aid. “

Insert your own Snoop Dogg .gif here.

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Oh, what about old-fashioned hooch? Well, rest assured, your tax dollars have you covered, if that’s the right way to put it.

Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer — author of absolutely, positively, totally nothing else that might get people upset — is now considering giving a bailout to restaurants and bars in the state.

Meanwhile, churches are hurting for donations because worship gatherings are canceled, or forbidden by local governments that even try to impose fines on pastors. Yeah, they won’t be seeing a bailout, no matter how much they spend in charity.

“Gov. Gretchen Whitmer is reportedly contemplating a bar and restaurant bailout through liquor distributors,” DetroitEater reported.

“Under the plan, state liquor distributors would theoretically pay restaurants and bars for their liquor purchases, but the businesses wouldn’t be required to return the product. The idea behind the proposal, which mirrors a similar policy implemented by the state of Ohio, is to infuse businesses with the cash they need to reopen once social distancing rules are loosened.”

Whitmer is probably the last person who should be testing this. She’s basically the Marie Antionette of these orders. Let them eat gardening equipment, after all!

Remember when we needed to rush these bills through? Dear reader, I was one of the people who believed in this poppycock. I fell for it, too. And then we got stuck with this vice-laden bill.

It shouldn’t be like this. No pot. No brothels. No gin-joints. No way.  Let me tell you something: You think this is the end? You haven’t even seen the end of the beginning.

Throwing good money after bad vices won’t look better no matter how long you let it marinate. Much like a night spent with every one of these things, it’ll look like an even more regrettable waste of money once the morning so regrettably intrudes.

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C. Douglas Golden is a writer who splits his time between the United States and Southeast Asia. Specializing in political commentary and world affairs, he's written for Conservative Tribune and The Western Journal since 2014.
C. Douglas Golden is a writer who splits his time between the United States and Southeast Asia. Specializing in political commentary and world affairs, he's written for Conservative Tribune and The Western Journal since 2014. Aside from politics, he enjoys spending time with his wife, literature (especially British comic novels and modern Japanese lit), indie rock, coffee, Formula One and football (of both American and world varieties).
Morristown, New Jersey
Catholic University of America
Languages Spoken
English, Spanish
Topics of Expertise
American Politics, World Politics, Culture