How well is extreme gun control working over in the United Kingdom? So successfully one member of Parliament is actually proposing knife control.
And not just in one of those “maybe you could make them a bit duller, mates?” kind of ways.
Oh, no. He thinks all knives should have GPS trackers on them. Because this could only end well.
“Scott Mann, Conservative MP for North Cornwall, said on Twitter there should be a national database ‘like we do with guns,'” the BBC reported last week.
“His tweet has attracted more than 3,600 comments, with some saying Mr Mann was ‘not the sharpest knife in the drawer.’
“New figures show knife crime in England and Wales is at its highest for nine years.”
That last part is true. Apparently, criminals turn to knives when they don’t have access to guns, something nobody could have possibly predicted.
And by nobody, I, of course, mean everybody. However, Mann’s tweet proved just how out of touch he was.
Every knife sold in the UK should have a gps tracker fitted in the handle. It’s time we had a national database like we do with guns. If you’re carrying it around you had better have a bloody good explanation, obvious exemptions for fishing etc.
— Scott Mann (@scottmann4NC) March 14, 2019
“Every knife sold in the UK should have a gps tracker fitted in the handle. It’s time we had a national database like we do with guns,” Mann tweeted on Thursday. “If you’re carrying it around you had better have a bloody good explanation, obvious exemptions for fishing etc.”
And in the country where one of its greatest writers gave us “1984” and Ingsoc, a Conservative member of Parliament want to put a GPS tracker in every knife sold — and you’d “better have a bloody good explanation” if you’re carrying one.
Can’t you see the interrogations now? “Look, Liam, let’s cut to the chase, mate — you say you were cutting grapefruits for a citrus punch at your friend’s house before the Manchester derby? Care to give us the recipe for it, old bean? Was it a rum punch? Vodka? We know you’re lying.”
This idea is what Britishers might call divvy, particularly when the comments section evinces much more sanity (and humor) than the original poster did.
“Trackers are showing a gang confrontation in Kensington. All units, prepare to enter premises. Lethal force authorised” pic.twitter.com/uEDOcV3oT1
— Daniel Tilles (@danieltilles1) March 14, 2019
Literally the only logical explanation for this tweet is that you secretly own shares in a GPS tracker manufacturer
— Letters of Note (@LettersOfNote) March 14, 2019
“There’s been a stabbing”
“Quick, get me the GPS tracking for every knife in a 3 mile radius”
“OK, it says there are 120,000 of them, mostly in kitchens”
“Bollocks, thought we had them then”
“Could ask those young lads with the machete”
“Nah, they’ve got a mackerel, been fishing”
— Mike McKinley (@MikeMckinley) March 14, 2019
Another MP made a video with a special appearance by Mann, who was the head of the “Ministry of Good Ideas.” Warning: Slight bad language ahead. Viewer discretion advised.
I reveal a secret part of the Palace of Westminster you may not have seen before: the Ministry of Good Ideas. Guess who’s behind the desk.. pic.twitter.com/yEo4ObzdwO
— Johnny Mercer MP (@JohnnyMercerUK) March 14, 2019
More or less.
Britain’s had a serious knife problem for a while, but the fact that anyone is actually talking knife control is a joke.
Usually, it just involves making knives duller, banning certain types of blades or some such mess. The idea of sticking a GPS tracker in knife handles is so beyond stupid that one wonders actually how this got to the Twitter stage.
Remember, this man had to press “send,” which means he had to type the words out and look at them and then decide, “Yeah, I’m going to push that button.”
And you know what?
You could institute an assault utensil ban and it wouldn’t solve a single thing. Coming up next: GPS trackers on forks. Then sporks. I hope you like eating your steak with a dull plastic spoon, Britain.
But don’t worry, it’s for your own good. Just like gun control, which has worked so well you’ll need a few dozen GPS trackers in your utensil drawer.
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