Trump's 'Witch Hunt' Phrase Actually Triggers Real-Life Liberal Witches


Today in “believe it or not, this is real life,” real-life witches are triggered over the Trump administration’s use of the words “witch hunt” to describe the Mueller investigation.

“It may, on the surface, seem like a harmless way to trivialize special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russia’s interference in the 2016 presidential campaign,” Will Sommers’ piece earlier this week for The Daily Beast began.

“But to the actual community of witches, President Donald Trump’s constant invocation of a ‘witch hunt’ is deeply problematic and, frankly, a bit hurtful.”

“Deeply problematic?” Pray tell, people in the know. I’m sure these are very serious people with very serious arguments that we’ve merely overlooked.

“Actual witch hunts have left what witchcraft author Kitty Randall, who uses the name ‘Amber K.’ in the witching world, calls a ‘traumatic emotional imprint’ on modern-day witches.

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“To have him compare his situation to the worst period in our history is just infuriating,” Randall told The Beast.

“If Mueller’s investigation were truly a ‘witch hunt,’ then Donald Trump would be hanging naked from chains in a cold barn somewhere, being tortured into admitting his pact with Satan, before being burned at the stake,” she added. “Instead he’s golfing at Mar-a-Lago.”

First, I think I’m safe in saying that the “too soon” period for jokes about Salem and similar witch trials probably expired before the Declaration of Independence, if not far sooner. It’s not exactly a pressing issue. Nobody is looking to put Randall or any of her coreligionists in a burlap sack and dunk them repeatedly in the water to see if they float. Not only are such things generally frowned upon in this legal establishment, but, well, nobody would actually go to the trouble of doing it — mostly because it’s just a figure of speech.

Second, this isn’t just about witches (as it should be), because of course it isn’t.

Do you think these witches have gotten out of control?

“Witches view the use of the phrase as more than just a pejorative rhetorical device,” Sommers wrote.



“They place it, rather, in the larger context of the president demonizing and marginalizing minority groups. According to witches who spoke to The Daily Beast, most contemporary witches are feminists and support other marginalized groups. Salisbury called Trump’s witch hunt tweets ‘disgraceful,’ especially because of Trump’s attacks on immigrants and women.”

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Oh, good grief.

This statement goes entirely unchallenged in Sommers’ piece, which is kind of interesting because there’s no way on God’s green earth to tie one narrative to another in anything more than a loose metaphorical sense. “Oh, back 325 years ago people who allegedly believed the same thing I do now ended up getting killed in some Massachusetts town. This is clearly a sign that I’m marginalized and why I identify with other marginalized groups.” Right.

“It is particularly horrifying because many modern practitioners of witchcraft devote their lives to seeking compassion and justice,” David Salisbury, lead organizer at Firefly House — a Washington D.C.-based witch community — told the Beast.

This compassion and justice, it must be noted, has often taken the form of actions like “a public hex on Brett Kavanaugh, upon all rapists and the patriarchy at large which emboldens, rewards and protects them,” to mention one event in which the wider witch community took part. Compassion! Justice! Fairness!

As for the witches, Salisbury said that “(m)any are mad, and the rest are rolling their eyes.”

So basically like the rest of us.

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C. Douglas Golden is a writer who splits his time between the United States and Southeast Asia. Specializing in political commentary and world affairs, he's written for Conservative Tribune and The Western Journal since 2014.
C. Douglas Golden is a writer who splits his time between the United States and Southeast Asia. Specializing in political commentary and world affairs, he's written for Conservative Tribune and The Western Journal since 2014. Aside from politics, he enjoys spending time with his wife, literature (especially British comic novels and modern Japanese lit), indie rock, coffee, Formula One and football (of both American and world varieties).
Morristown, New Jersey
Catholic University of America
Languages Spoken
English, Spanish
Topics of Expertise
American Politics, World Politics, Culture