UK Judge: Time to Make Sure Kitchen Knives Aren't Dangerous, Turn Them in for Modification


Want to chop up a bunch of garlic all at once? Perhaps slice through a thick piece of steak?

Well, you don’t really need all of that cutting power, do you? I mean, sure, garlic can be a bit tricky to get fine, but your right to easy garlic chopping isn’t more important than my right to live.

Why do you need an assault knife in your kitchen, anyway? There’s no safe way to use these military-style knives, which are almost the exact shape and size as the kind of knives the military uses (although there might be slight differences, but that’s not important).

Ham-fisted satire? On this side of the pond, maybe. However, in England, in addition to having at least five more Spice Girls and two more Gallagher brothers than necessary, they also have a major knife-crime problem on their hands.

So, according to the U.K. Telegraph, a retiring judge has a brilliant idea. The judge wants “a nationwide program to file down the points of kitchen knives as a solution to the country’s soaring knife-crime epidemic.”

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“Last week in his valedictory address, retiring Luton Crown Court Judge Nic Madge spoke of his concern that carrying a knife had become routine in some circles and called on the government to ban the sale of large pointed kitchen knives,” the Telegraph reported Sunday.

“Latest figures show stabbing deaths among teenagers and young adults have reached the highest level for eight years, and knife crime overall rose 22 percent in 2017.”

Let me get this straight: Guns have been more or less banned in the U.K., so criminals are turning to knives — which means kitchen knives have to be ground down.

Turn them all in, Mr. and Mrs. England! After all, you’re going to need to turn all that cutlery in for modification in order to comply with this scheme! How could this possibly ever fail?

Is knife control going to be effective in the U.K.?

And we know how great things are when Britons decide to take things over on a national scale — like health care! I’m sure the long wait times to have their kitchen knives ground down won’t deter the criminals who will wait hours in line to comply. And no criminal would ever think of setting up a service to take ground-down knife-points and make them pointy again. That kind of thing doesn’t happen.

This is a personal vendetta for Madge, according to the U.K. Daily Mail, who “last month jailed Jordon Worth, of Stewartby, Bedfordshire, for seven-and-a-half years after she inflicted a catalogue of injuries on her boyfriend Alex Skeel.”

“Worth, 22, stabbed (Skeel) with a knife, scalded him with boiling water, banned him from their bed and decided what clothes he should wear.

“Judge Madge has now come out to say that the use of headline-grabbing Rambo knives and samurai swords was relatively rare and it was was the points of ordinary kitchen knives that was causing the soaring loss of life among youngsters.”

So it was the knives, not the crazy woman. Right.

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I always thought that “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” was a great sketch comedy show. I didn’t realize it was a documentary.

This is either the thickest man in all of the United Kingdom or this is a country where jurisprudence has seriously taken a turn into the absurd. Given that this is the home of Sadiq Khan and the ASBO, my guess is that it’s the latter.

This is what happens when a country’s elite thinks it can control violence by taking away anything it belives the plebs use to get violent with, unaware that most of those “plebs” just want to exercise their God-given right to defend themselves.

One hopes this absurdity ends with Madge’s well-deserved retirement. However, I don’t necessarily think it’s out of the question that I’m going to be reading about some Oxfordshire judge, five or 10 years from now, giving a speech about how you don’t really need tongs that long on that spork, now, do you? And why does it have to be bloody metal?

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C. Douglas Golden is a writer who splits his time between the United States and Southeast Asia. Specializing in political commentary and world affairs, he's written for Conservative Tribune and The Western Journal since 2014.
C. Douglas Golden is a writer who splits his time between the United States and Southeast Asia. Specializing in political commentary and world affairs, he's written for Conservative Tribune and The Western Journal since 2014. Aside from politics, he enjoys spending time with his wife, literature (especially British comic novels and modern Japanese lit), indie rock, coffee, Formula One and football (of both American and world varieties).
Morristown, New Jersey
Catholic University of America
Languages Spoken
English, Spanish
Topics of Expertise
American Politics, World Politics, Culture