'The Devil Looked My Marriage in the Eyes and Said, "You Are Not Worthy of a Child"'
One woman is sharing her journey of deep pain, confused anger, and loss in hopes that her story will encourage others going through a similar walk.
For four years Brittany Ross and her husband, Major League Baseball player Robbie Ross Jr., suffered through three different miscarriages. The hopes and dreams they both had built years before even meeting each other seemed less and less possible.
In a recent Love What Matters feature, Brittany splayed her emotional story across the page, giving insight into how she persisted through such a dark season of life.
“This is a story of our adoption. This is a story for those who are longing for something their heart knows it needs. This is a story for those close to someone in the thick of infertility, pain, loss, grief, or suffering,” she wrote. “My hope is that my words find their way into the right heart. To the rib cages that hold the desire to become someone, something. The empaths. The ones trying to love those that are in the fire. THIS IS MY JOURNEY TO GYPSY.”
Brittany, just like any little girl, grew up dreaming about the woman she would become. One of those desires for her future included adopting “a boy and girl from every continent in the world.”
When she began to date Robbie in high school, she made sure that he also held the same passion for adoption. Their plan was to have children of their own, adopt after that, and love all of the dogs their house could hold in between.
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Soon, however, they would realize that their life would not turn out the way the way they had hoped. Within the span of nine months, she became pregnant and mourned the loss of three unborn babies.
“It started on the cold lonely bathroom floor where I lay in a pool of my own blood, saying goodbye to the children my body could not protect, grow, and nurture,” Brittany wrote. “Each pregnancy, the idea of adoption would linger in the back of my mind making me wonder if I could ever do this again. I was tired. Exhaustion was setting in. I was beyond over spent.”
She then found a second wind while reading stories in the Bible of God making impossible things possible, stories that start with “and yet.”
They had no idea that God was about to reveal a plan that was more perfect than any they could’ve ever imagined on their own: their own “and yet” story.
The couple explored in vitro fertilization and then eventually, after that, began filling out paperwork for their first attempt at adoption, which fell through. Their parenting journey was peppered with many beginnings that were soon met with abrupt endings.
Only 10 days after the first adoption attempt failed, a phone call would throw them into the fight for their future family.
They were told that if they wanted to fight, they could make sure that this precious newborn girl would never enter the foster care system and instead would become their daughter.
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“The true beginning was on February 1st, 2018. We didn’t know it yet, but a perfect little girl had been born and the call on her life was profound, courageous, and bold. A little baby girl lay waiting in the hospital in the loving arms of the nurses that fed and cared for her until the court decided her fate.”
After three days of “painful” waiting, the judge ruled in favor of Brittany and Robbie. Gypsy was their daughter.
“Birth mom gave her life. She held her in her womb and sustained her life until she could no longer. She chose life for Gypsy. Despite the odds,” she wrote. “I was not supposed to be a mother. The odds were not in my favor. Three miscarriages and a failed adoption is enough to make a woman quit.
“AND YET. She so graciously handed her to me, her mom. The truest, purest love I’ve ever known. If this is a fraction of the Love of the Father, I am humbled to my knees.”
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While the journey to Gypsy is an amazing story in its own right, the story of how Brittany’s heart changed throughout those four years is absolutely inspiring.
While navigating through unimaginable grief, she was understandably angry, confused and frustrated. It seemed like everything was working against her and what’s even worse, she felt like God had turned His back on her.
“I did all the right things; I checked off all the boxes. So in the midst of my darkness, my theory of ‘if I am good, God is good to me’ was failing,” she admitted. “I had been seeing the backside of God for years. Not doubting His realness, but ever questioning His goodness.”
That questioning ended the moment she met her daughter.
“When Gypsy’s birth mom placed her in my arms I saw God so clearly turning around with a child in His arms, tears in His eyes whispering breathlessly: ‘She took time. Good things take time, my child… My Darling Brittany, I have loved you so much. While you were tired, and weary, disappointed, and angry, I was working on her. She is mine too. I needed to perfect her. My child, I have held you in every moment you have ever felt alone. If you sit still, you’ll know and remember. My heart broke when yours did.’
“‘I worked on her day and night. I orchestrated every second of every day that led us here. It was all on purpose. Her in your arms is a gift to my eyes. You will understand a fragment of the love I have for you when you look into her eyes. When it appears as if I have turned my back, remember this feeling and know that I am bent over for you.'”
Now, whenever she holds Gypsy, Brittany is reminded of the difficult journey that she walked through to receive her, and the loving, merciful God that was with her through it all.
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“God took what was seemingly impossible and made it possible. When the devil looked my marriage in the eyes and said, ‘You are not worthy of a child, your body has failed you and your arms will forever be empty,’ God looked back and said, ‘Sit down.’ When the world told me to give up and give in and move on, God said ‘Enough.’ God took the impossible, and gave us a miracle.”
Brittany just hopes that her story can serve as encouragement to those walking through their own “and yet” story, even if they don’t realize that they’re in the middle of one.
She said, “I promise you, this is not the end of your story. You are walking through fire, because you are becoming it. There is an end to this season. I am looking at mine. I promise. You can turn your back, and throw your fits and God will hold you tighter.”
“So, do just that. Give him everything. Give him your anger and your frustration. Your questions and your doubts. God can take your honesty. Give Him your sadness and praise Him for the joys in between.”
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