Hunter Biden's Cryptocurrency Launch Quickly Turns Disastrous, Crashes Through the Floor Within Minutes
So, how goeth the Hunter Biden redemption tour?
It’s hard to keep track nowadays. Back in the olden times, we were supposed to believe that this crack-addled nepo-baby was seriously worth millions of dollars in Burisma cash, but even the most persistent scales fell from the eyes of the media sometime around that June 2024 debate performance from Joe Biden. (Which should have been totally unconnected; funny how that works.)
Since then, Hunter’s laughable career as a wannabe Yayoi Kusama-esque artist has collapsed, so he’s now turned into the Ed McMahon of podcaster Andrew Callaghan, who has put him in totally tenable situations for a recovering drug-and-alcohol addict such as this:
Hunter Biden reminisces on how fun his crack addiction was: “People think of crack as being dirty. It’s the exact opposite.” pic.twitter.com/4gmplCXdej
— TheBlaze (@theblaze) July 21, 2025
Callaghan has been Hunter Biden’s entrée back into the political discussion, which is… dubious, to say the least. For one, Callaghan is a bottom-feeder who milks human misery; if this were 1995 and his name were Jerry Springer and he’d had a recent haircut, fine, but this is 2026 and we can have Lindsay Clancy TikTokers tell us how giving birth to a baby made them want to kill their dog so she was clearly innocent.
The bar, in other words, is low. Which set the stage for $LAPTOP, Hunter’s cryptocurrency, which surely wasn’t a scam with an intro video like this:
September 9 pic.twitter.com/QokgWLNxgL
— Hunter Biden (@HunterBiden) September 7, 2026
I mean, how could a sound investment like this go wrong? Except for the ways obvious to a 4-year-old, as basically everyone following crypto noticed:
JUST IN: Hunter Biden’s crypto memecoin $LAPTOP crashes 99% two hours after launch. pic.twitter.com/SsZw73IFow
— Watcher.Guru (@WatcherGuru) September 9, 2026
But Hunter is serious now! Very, very serious, even though he’s so poor his lawyers can’t determine how poor he is! Why would you not believe this man?
Anyhow, you won’t believe this, but this looks like another grift by the former first son.
From the New York Post:
Four out of five people who bought into Hunter Biden’s new meme coin saw their investments go up in smoke during the cryptocurrency’s spectacular launch-day collapse on Wednesday — even as one mystery trader turned a roughly $250,000 bet into $1.18 million within minutes, The Post has learned.
An individual trading under a pseudonym spent about $250,000 to acquire 9,124 of Biden’s $LAPTOP tokens before unloading 8,480 of them minutes later for about $1.18 million, according to a blockchain analysis by Datavault AI.
That amounted to a gain of roughly $930,000 before transaction costs.
And given the nature of crypto, we may never know who that was.
Gosh. Who could that be?
Let these posts assure you it definitely wasn’t Hunter Biden who profited:
Our foundation’s account is suspended. The foundation isn’t stepping away from $LAPTOP. We are working on getting the account fixed. Until then the foundation is relaying its thoughts via Medium.
Here’s our breakdown of what happened and how we stabilized.…
— Hunter Biden (@HunterBiden) September 10, 2026
For years, Trump and right-wing media have been asking, “Where’s Hunter? Where’s Hunter?” Well, here I am. Clear, strong, seven years sober, and with a lot to say.
By now, you may have seen the article in the Wall Street Journal that I’m launching a meme coin called $LAPTOP.…
— Hunter Biden (@HunterBiden) September 8, 2026
As for the memecoin itself, when the New York Post is reporting that a single investor made a cool million off of the pump-and-dump, you don’t need to call in Agatha Christie, because the chief suspect is a guy who is apparently so in debt he can’t determine how in debt he is issued a memecoin. It could be anyone, but it’s not likely to be anyone who wasn’t on the inside.
Look, I get that the Hunter Biden rehabilitation tour isn’t going as Hunter and the Bidens had hoped. This isn’t helping, either way. He touted this as an antidote to the Trump memecoins. But it was worse, if anything. He also touted it as a vehicle to show what the holes in crypto were. By directly exploiting them, yes, he did, although not to the outcome he probably hoped.
In short: Hunter Biden will always be Hunter Biden, no matter what the financial vehicle. Surprise, surprise.
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