Are 'Cocaine Raccoons' to Blame for the Attacks Harshing Liberal Utopia Portland's Vibe?
I recently streamed “Cocaine Bear” (at my wife’s suggestion, if you can believe that) and, while I don’t think I can in good conscience recommend the film, I have to admit that there were moments I found entertaining.
And given that the film cost something like $30-$35 million to produce, according to Collider, and grossed nearly three times that before it even started streaming, according to The Numbers, I should think that director and producer Elizabeth Banks might be looking for material for a sequel.
Look no further, Ms. Banks: I give you, “Cocaine Raccoons.”
Granted, there’s no actual evidence that any raccoons have ingested illegal stimulants, but then most of what happened in “Cocaine Bear” wasn’t exactly true-to-life, either. Filmmakers need to have room to take a little license to create their art, right?
(Maybe I should have put “art” in quotation marks in that last sentence, but you know what I meant.)
At any rate, after The (Portland) Oregonian published a piece on raccoons attacking people and their dogs, Oregon Catalyst speculated that the animals might have ingested some of the illicit substances that many of the left-leaning city’s residents are so fond of.
Wildlife officials told The Oregonian that the raccoon involved was probably a “protective mother,” but even if that’s true, I suppose it’s possible that even protective procyonids could scavenge up enough nose candy to affect their behavior.
The Oregonian shared surveillance video that captured one attack and what appeared to be a mother raccoon and her kits, which would seem to lend credence to the “protective mother” hypothesis.
Of course, “Protective Mother Raccoon” would be a terrible movie title, so let’s just stick to the drug theory. Certainly, the situation in Portland lends itself to such speculation.
Three years ago, Oregon voted to legalize the possession of “small amounts” of many hard drugs, cocaine and methamphetamine among them.
“Since then, downtown has seen well-documented increase in open-air drug dealing, overdoses, and violence,” Portland’s KOIN reported last month. “According to the Oregon Health Department, in 2019 there were 280 unintentional opioid overdose deaths in Oregon. In 2021 there were 745.”
“It’s crazy out there,” Rick Treleaven, the chief executive officer at BestCare Treatment Services in Central Oregon, told Oregon Public Broadcasting in May. “We are having an overdose epidemic like I’ve never seen and I’ve been in this field for over 40 years.”
And according to a 2003 article from The Journal of Wildlife Management, raccoon populations are actually more dense in urban areas than in the wild.
Of course, correlation doesn’t imply causation; just because Portland has plenty of both blow and trash pandas doesn’t mean the two ever come in contact with one another. I mean, who’s storing their Florida snow in their garbage cans, right?
On the other hand, who’s tossing cocaine out of airplanes? Just about no one — and yet in 1985 Pablo Escobear fatally overdosed on pounds of cocaine thrown from a Cessna — no, really — and inspired the cinematic masterpiece that is “Cocaine Bear.”
“Cocaine Bear,” you might recall, was the great Ray Liotta’s final film, so unfortunately he won’t be around to film a sequel featuring raccoons. (I’m sure the continuing series will be the worse for his absence.)
But if I were the casting director for “Cocaine Raccoons,” I know I’d be calling Bruce Campbell’s agent, early and often. I mean, the actor even lives in Oregon, making location scouting a breeze.
Trust me, bubbeleh: I never saw a surer thing in my life. It’s gonna be boffo.
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