Hello voters. My name is Leticia Ramos — and you better make sure you roll that “R” in Ramos. I am the director of illegal immigrant outreach for the Democratic National Committee.
As a proud undocumented immigrant who hates all things America, continues to speak Spanish whenever possible and thinks assimilation into American culture is racist, I urge you to vote for the Democrat on the ballot who truly represents the best of our party.
Democrats have always stood for the little people. Not “little people” like on the TLC show “Little People, Big World” — but the marginalized and disenfranchised as defined by us.
We stand for people like the misunderstood, whiny antifa anarchists who spit on old ladies wearing MAGA hats; the raging black nationalists in Black Lives Matter who profit from invented police brutality; MS-13 gang members who simply want a chance at the American dream (even though that’s a racist construct); and of course, we stand for those brave individuals who must continually shove hormones into their bodies in order to use invented personal pronouns.
I promise you that Democrats’ priorities are keeping in line with you, the American — and illegal alien — voter.
Democrats believe in appeasing all dictators. But appeasing Islamic dictators is a bonus.
After all, our first black president, Barack Obama, paved the way. He bowed to Muslim leaders, treated Israel like garbage, negotiated the worst deal ever with the Iran nuclear deal, drew a red line in the sand with Syria and then went back on it and blamed the Benghazi Muslim terror attack on a protest over a random video.
Some small-minded conservatives claim our first black president habitually lied about the threat of radical Islam — but they’re racist, so who cares what they think.
And now a maniac like Donald Trump seeks to tarnish the reputation of our Nobel Peace Prize-winning first black president by actually doing something about Iran — AND North Korea.
Democrats also believe in the dignity of every human life — except if you are a blob of tissue inside a woman’s body. Then, of course, your dignity isn’t that important to us.
We do, however, believe in the dignity of all uneducated, unskilled, poor, third-world people who break into America to collect taxpayer benefits.
We believe in open borders and global citizenship. We believe that America is no better than any other country, yet people who escape hellhole countries have a right to be here.
Also, American taxpayers should willingly fork over their hard-earned money to people who sneak over the border and pop out babies, refuse to assimilate or learn English and burden society. After all, who else are going to be our maids, gardeners and nannies?
We Democrats don’t believe in things like tax cuts.
Just because 80 to 90 percent of American workers recently received a tax cut, bonus or a combination of both, doesn’t mean tax cuts actually work. Just because more companies are able to hire because of the corporate tax cut doesn’t mean tax cuts work. Just because overall unemployment is at 3.9 percent and black, Hispanic and female unemployment is the lowest ever doesn’t mean tax cuts work. Just because more people have disposable income, which benefits all sectors of the economy, doesn’t mean tax cuts work.
And another thing. All you people with personal autonomy driving your cars are a major problem. We need more subways, monorails, bike paths and carpool lanes. Ultimately, shoving everyone into tiny little apartments 40 stories high within 10 square miles is the goal. Only elites should be able to drive cars, ride in private planes or own land, because they’re the only people who really matter.
Speaking of elites, only elites should be able to own guns. Unless you’re in a gang in Chicago, New York, Los Angeles or Baltimore — and then we will withhold guns from citizens so they can’t protect themselves from you.
The rest of you are mere polluters who are contributing to climate change (which idiot conservatives call “weather”). Just install a solar panel or twenty on top of your roof and stop complaining. After all, those green jobs that our first black president promised with taxpayer subsidies would be going gangbusters if Trump hadn’t started eating babies and throwing puppies against the wall, and taken steps toward energy independence,
Therefore, Democrats would like to urge all voters to vote against every individual interest you may have.
Whether that be safer communities, a secure border, a rational environmental policy, job stability, economic growth, the return of American leadership on the world stage, keeping potential terrorists out of America or the antiquated belief that there are only two genders, you must, as a good Democrat, vote against all of these things.
Democrats no longer think that white people are anything other than racist, bigoted, transphobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic and homophobic Neanderthal piggy banks. (Caveat: white professors of African-American studies, MSNBC and CNN anchors, LGBTQ liberals or porn stars and their lawyers extorting Trump are acceptable.)
The modern Democrat priorities of appeasement, 14 genders, open borders, drugs flowing in from Mexico, tax hikes, abortion on demand in all stages of pregnancy, high unemployment for all sectors (especially those evil white people) and elevation of illegal immigrants above American citizens must take root everywhere — not just on college campuses.
We must look to the failed states in Latin America, the Soviet Union, and Africa in order to import their special brand of brain power and economic growth into America. We must look to Europe and its importation of as many Muslims as possible — which is causing Islamic balkanization — as a reachable goal for racist America.
Speaking of Muslims, we must realize the threat of radical Islam is not really a threat but an aberration. Never mind that by some estimates 10 to 25 percent of Muslims are radicalized — that’s just a white racist myth. As good Democrats know, our real enemies are practicing Jews and Christians. Muslims can do no wrong.
So, as you vote today, make sure you choose the Democrat who hates Trump the most and who seeks to do the most damage to the American people. That’s our kind of Democrat, and that’s the kind of Congress we must elect.
Muchas gracias, comrades!
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