Robbery isn’t exactly a field with a high bar to entry. What you need is a weapon, no morals and willingness to violate the law.
Oh, and a belt. You need a belt, too.
That’s the lesson from one of the more morbidly funny robbery attempts in recent years, in which the robber fumbled the gun over the counter of an e-cigarette store in Aurora, Colorado, last week and then nearly lost his pants on the way out.
According to The Denver Post, the pathetic attempt happened Sept. 2 at the E-Cig of Denver outlet. Video shows the robber first “cased the joint” to make sure that the female clerk was alone. This is actually competency; you’re supposed to do this if you’re a hideous blight on society who believes taking other people’s money at gunpoint is a fair way to make a living.
Everything else goes horribly wrong after that (as it often does for criminals).
The man was dressed in a Denver Broncos shirt, red baseball cap and saggy pants. The last bit was not a particularly good work attire choice, as we’ll see later.
In security camera footage released by the Aurora police, the man approached the clerk and pulled a gun from out of his waistband. Unfortunately for him, his fingers slipped and the gun tumbled behind the counter.
The clerk then picked up the weapon and wielded it by the barrel, as if to threaten a pistol-whipping.
The robber tried to get over the counter, but failed in a spectacular way (as criminals often do). He then bolted from the scene, his pants falling down all the while.
As he kicked open the door to get out, the pants fell even farther, nearly coming down to his ankles.
Aurora police were searching for the suspect. As it turned out, the weapon itself was only a BB gun, so — yeah, we’re not dealing with John Dillinger here.
“I don’t want to downplay the seriousness of an armed robbery, but the guy really does belong in the ‘world’s dumbest criminals,’” Chris Burgess, owner of the store, told The Denver Post. “He needs to find a new career.”
And there wouldn’t exactly have been much remuneration, either. “It probably had only about $100 in the cash register,” Burgess told the newspaper.
“Our policy is give them whatever they want,” Burgess said of robbers, but added that the clerk acted correctly, given the circumstances.
Let’s hope that the police catch up with this thug in a hurry. He may never try robbery again out of sheer embarrassment, but he deserves to be held to account for this one — clumsy and preposterous though it may have been.
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