Lifestyle & Human Interest

I Could No Longer Hide My Brokenness from the One Person Who Saw Everything


I was having coffee with a friend last week and realized after the couple years I’d now known her, she’d never heard my testimony. She only gathered bits and pieces through conversation and mutual friends.

As I began telling her about being sexually assaulted in college, suffering from depression and turning to drug use, then finding myself in a physically (and mentally) abusive relationship, I was reminded of a little white book.

It was during my pregnancy with my daughter that I really became a Christian. Sure, I’d grown up going to church sometimes with my parents. I was even baptized around the age of 9 — but I had no clue what that really meant.

It wasn’t until I was completely broken that I finally understood.

I was sitting in the back row at church with my grandparents and felt it. God came after me.

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Actually, he’d always been coming after me. But it was that day I actually let him in.

I don’t remember how many weeks later — it wasn’t many — the church we were attending handed out these little white books filled with empty pages, small enough to fit in a purse and sturdy enough that it wouldn’t rip or tear.

They were meant to coincide with scripture reading and be utilized as a way to take notes, ask questions and further your walk with Jesus.

That little white book helped save me.

I was still in the abusive relationship, at that time. When my ex would leave at night, I would get out my Bible and that little book. But my book became my diary to God. My communication line.

My prayers on paper, if you will.

I cried out to God each and every day in that book. I wrote down all the things I’d been hiding — the bruises, the abuse, the self-doubt, the sadness, the anger, and all my fears. I wrote down all the years of hurt and began to find hope.

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I still have that book. I will never let it go.

Just like God never let me go. Even when I sinned against him, turned my back on him and denied him for so many years. He was always there, just waiting for me.

Hebrews 4:16

The Bible tells us time and time again that God will not forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8, Hebrews 13:5, Psalm 94:14). He will be there in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16).

Did I still have an uphill climb and horrible things happen in my life? Absolutely. But I was no longer living without hope.

Every single day since I turned it all over to Christ, my life has been better, because I know He has a plan for me and for my brokenness (Jeremiah 29:11).

In order to have victory in our lives, we must remember that God is bigger than our problems. Take each day one step at a time, thoughtfully in prayer.

You can make that decision right now. Right where you are. Change your life by letting God be a part of it.

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Keeley is a former contributor to The Western Journal.
Keeley is a former contributor to The Western Journal.